terça-feira, abril 26, 2011

April showers

Someone once told me that the longer you stay i the US, the harder it is to leave. That's very likely to be true. But almost 2 and a half years ago, when I left Jersey and decided to go back 'home', I knew I wasn't ready. I knew my time here wasn't over. Something inside of me was screaming STAY, but my sense of responsibility and my lack of confidence on my plans were definitely louder than whatever that so called inner voice was saying it. I left, spent 10 months in Brazil trying to adapt, to realized I had already adapted somewhere else.

I can't even count how many professional reasons I had to return, how scared I was to take the risk. I can't explain how much I love the children and missed them desperately. This is some connection you have to feel, it's meant to be, might even be spiritual.  There's always someone to say you're too old to be doing this, you're far from the job market in Brazil, you abandoned your family. I hear that everyday, and it is much worse when I hear from my own mind. That's why I say I can't explain. And because I do not need to justify my choices and my decisions. All I can do is hope and take a step forward everyday.

But I also came back for things I don't have anymore. And that is and will always be the biggest pain I feel in the US. The worse of all evils, that lays inside of me. Loneliness.
Part of why I wanted to stay is no longer with me in cold grayish Jersey. But I must pay my tribute to it, to honor them and to inspire the new au pairs coming. This country gave me a few of my best friends. My 'meninas from São Paulo' changed much more than my accent. They changed my life. I am still in touch with pretty much all of them, and they have absolutely no idea of how much I miss them all. They own my best memories in Jersey and surrounding areas. We bonded, we built up our friendship weekend after weekend.

I also had here my worse heartbreak. I came very close to leaving. Not worth to mention a word besides that. 

But I'm no quitter. I never gave up making new friends. Never. But I'm afraid that it might happen soon. Many of you might actually think this is funny ( and it is all part of how needy I am, I'm aware and have been told) but real truth is: The longer you stay in the US, the less friends I have. Or it could be 'the older you get, the less friends you have', or maybe it's just me not being interesting or fun anymore. I think I lost it. Maybe because the more I want, the less I get. Perhaps I lost the spark au pairs have, that light that makes you recognize another au pair by far. I blend. I'm old and I don't go partying. Or maybe the longer I'm here, the more intimidating it seems. Or being a student excludes me from having a social life?
huh. I feel like I still have tons to learn.
They come, they go. They meet me, they don't call anymore. And I'm left with questions and doubts and lonely Saturdays.
Maybe I am a quitter.

Or maybe you just get lucky once in a lifetime, not twice. Lightning do not strike twice, right?!

So enjoy your first April shower, dear au pairs. It brought me my flowers.